My vision blurred the words in front of me:
“I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete.” 2 John 12
It’s an unlikely verse to trigger such emotion. The signing off of a letter to a friend. But I can feel John’s affection in the words; I relate to his longing to be together. If I had to rewrite them for today, the words would say:
“I have so much to say to you but I don’t want to do it over Zoom or FaceTime anymore. For weeks, seeing your faces and hearing your voices was enough, but now I want to sit with you and chat. I want to hug you. I want to be with you in person. That will be a joyful day!”
I am weary. My fuse is shorter with my family. Overwhelm is lurking around any corner eager to surprise me at any moment things don’t go well. Lack of purpose and structure make me uneasy. Even on social media: at first it was the memes about toilet paper and the support for front line workers that united us, but now bickering has begun as opinions differ as to the extent and timing of our Stay Home Order.
“What does it matter?” has been ringing in my ears for days on end as I try to keep some semblance of order in my household and today my 10yo echoed those words in his frustration to complete homework. “What does it matter? It doesn’t count for a grade. It doesn’t count for anything!” That was the end of homework today.
Does it matter? This time in quarantine/lockdown/social-distancing/loneliness – will it matter? How can we make it matter? Do we wish away the days? Can we find meaning and purpose? I’ve been struggling to not wish away the days – struggling to look for things to treasure. I started a Silver Lining List to appreciate the things we otherwise wouldn’t have, but even that has tarnish on the silver lining. Many days pass before I list another blessing.
I’m just being honest: I miss my peeps. Heck, I miss being with people that aren’t my peeps! I can’t even smile at a stranger in the grocery store anymore. Even if they notice my face beneath the mask, they treat me with skepticism and walk quickly away.
The purpose of this blog is mostly to encourage and challenge, but today, I’m just telling you that if you are struggling with the purposeless of it all, I feel like you do. You are not alone. Even if you feel that way.
Hannah Whitall Smith said, “God is enough for time. God is enough for eternity. God is enough!” Her life was pretty rough, so if God can be enough for her, maybe that needs to be my prayer:
God, I’m tired of all of this. I need you. I need you to be enough for this time we are going through. I need you to be enough for me. I need you because I am so weary.