What have I gotten myself into? It seems I have been saying that to myself more and more lately. Have you ever felt unsettled? As if you know a change is coming but you have no idea what it is or what your part will be?
My path started with a desire for connection, specifically connection with other women who follow Christ. I have gone to my church for about nine years. My husband and I have been part of a small group which was a great experience, but once it disbanded it felt like the friendships did as well. The opportunity to help with a women’s retreat presented itself. “Sure, I would love to help with the gifts,” I said. Suddenly, I am in charge of gifts which now means I am committed to the retreat. An overnight retreat. How did this happen? I signed up with no roommate and on the verge of a panic attack.
What was I thinking? Why was I so compelled to do this?
I struggle with the desire to go deeper but my tendency is to not let others in too close. A fear of revealing my true self. Even in Bible studies when it comes to personal reflection, I am reluctant to write the words down. It’s as if once the thoughts are on paper, I will be exposed; the truth of my inner self with all my failings laid bare.
In the end, the retreat was amazing and sometimes overwhelming. I had the opportunity to connect with a few women who I may never have had the opportunity to know and go beyond the brief smile and hello at church for those I had already met. Then, Milo asked if I would like to be part of her blog. Why did I say I was interested? What could I possibly contribute? I am not a Bible scholar or particularly wise. But, I do love Jesus, though it has been a bit of a long distance relationship lately.
Comfort comes in knowing that God has used imperfect people to show His perfect will. Noah was a drunk, Gideon was afraid, Jonah ran from God, Peter denied Christ. Am I any better or worse? God may call us to something that feels scary or uncomfortable and it isn’t until much later that we see the work of His hand. So here I sit with pen in hand with an open heart. Jesus, I pray for a spirit of power and of love and of good mind.